Scrolling facebook the other day, I came across one of those memes about how a child’s behavior is really just a reflection on the parents and that anything that comes out of a child’s mouth is is just something the child heard at home. I felt that punch in the gut. Hard. I hate this idea. This may be a common belief among people who have angelic children as well as childless people who may not have had the experience of listening in horror as their child says something so outlandish that they wished they could teleport themselves and child to another dimension. People who post these are certainly not a parent of a neuro-diverse child. (And let’s be honest, in my early twenties - in those first few years of teaching - I’m sure I had some of those thoughts. Thank goodness I wasn’t on Facebook back then to post my judgements).
Parenting can be heavy
We must remember - we are not suppose to be perfect parents. We are actually suppose to make mistakes in this role. The growth, love, and resiliency come from recovering from those mistakes.
If only having a well-behaved child was as easy as simply being a good parent. Or even being a good-enough parent. I often have to remind myself that in 1953 pediatrician and psychoanalysis, Dr. D.W. Winnicott argued that it is actually better when we are not perfect parents - perfect parents would not provide the child the best opportunities for growth and good stress in a loving environment. So we are not suppose to be perfect. We are actually suppose to make mistakes in this role. The growth, love, and resiliency come from recovering from those mistakes. It is suppose to be hard.
This parenting gig? It is tough. Being the parent of a neuro-diverse child? Even tougher. Can we try to be in this together - teachers, neighbors, community partners - so that instead of automatically assuming a parent is at fault, we wonder how we can provide grace and love to the family? Can we view those moments as opportunities for growth and resiliency building?
I am going to try really hard as a parent to see my child’s public outbursts as opportunities instead of as public floggings to remind the world of my bad parenting. Anyone with me?