It isn't suppose to be easy...

I recently found myself unsubscribing to the parenting “experts” I was following on social media. Their daily posts would pop up in my feed with supportive and helpful tips about being the positive, perfect parent to our children. They always seemed to have this promise of “if you just do these magical parenting tricks your child will become an amazing human being.” And of course, the flip side: “If your child is not kind, loving, and the model of what society is looking for then you screwed up somewhere.” I found that more often than not, these positive parenting tips made me want to punch my computer. Unsubscribe.

The answer is in the mess

Parenting is having a relationship with a human being and not walking away from it when it gets hard - being about to set boundaries while being kind, nurturing, and providing co-regulation when needed. It is about watching a human being go through developmental stages and being there for them with love and boundaries along the way. 

For some reason (or maybe it is just me) I often find myself getting caught up in the “if you just parent the right way then your child will be perfect.” And, since I immerse myself in the world of child development, I spend a lot of time reading, researching, and writing about how we work with children. Therefore, I have a lot of parenting tips from “experts” running through my head at all times. And yet - most of the time none of those are helpful.

We’ve tricked ourselves into thinking that if we just do it right that it will be easy. Or at least, if not easy now, we are setting ourselves up for easy-going in the future. It’s what any goal-oriented person who was raised on the delayed gratification doctrine believes about life. You work hard and eventually, you will be rewarded because you earned it.

I was talking with a friend a while ago about what happens when our children become teens and are flooded with all that is adolescents. Her children are younger than mine and she noted that she wasn’t worried about some of what I was mentioning because she was doing X, Y, and Z with her kids. I laughed to myself - I had done those same things - and more - all with the promise that “look! If we do it right now, it will be better later!” Lies.

This shouldn’t make us not want to work hard at being good parents and doing the best we can for our children. But it should remind us that our children are unique human beings and our jobs as parents are really to see them as they are, have a relationship with the human being in front of us, and allow for that messy relationship to unfold, not expecting it to work as a math equation. “If I react like this when you are two, then when you are 12 you will do this.”

Parenting is having a relationship with a human being and not walking away from it when it gets hard - being about to set boundaries while being kind, nurturing, and providing co-regulation when needed. It is about watching a human being go through developmental stages and being there for them with love and boundaries along the way. It is doing all this and knowing that there will be moment after moment where we get it wrong - and that is OK - our kids will be OK - we just keep showing up and building that relationship with that human being.

The truth is, as child psychologist Winnicott and Dr. Ed Tronick have told us - the answer is in the mess of the relationship - it’s in the back and forth, the relationship ruptures and repairs, and how the relationship grows alongside the development of the two humans in the relationship. All of it is messy by design. 

These relationships will vary from child to child, parent to parent and there is no quick internet meme or TikTok video that can tell us the answers. I have no great answers or quick facebook post-worthy thoughts to use to wrap up this post. Just know I am out there - just like you - trying to embrace the struggle and honor the nature of the human beings in front of me I am lucky enough to raise.

Reflecting on the Power of Relationships

Fourth grade was a really hard year for me. I went to a small private school where our group of kids had been together since kindergarten. The main factor that changed each year was the teacher. I remember being fairly miserable in fourth grade, mostly because of the teacher. I was shy, spoke softly, and reserved. I don’t remember having a lot of friends in that small group of kids - I often felt out of place there. It had taken me longer to learn how to read and it felt like I would never be able to fit in academically or socially. The teacher did not help. When she would stand outside the classroom and demand that I talk loud enough so that she could hear me I would fantasize about growing up to write a book about what an awful teacher she was. In fourth grade that was my idea of revenge. At some point this morning - between getting off zoom with a fourth-grade student and getting my own girls started on their homeschooling work - I had a brief flashback to that teacher.

Our relationships with our teachers matter

When my fourth-grade teacher would stand outside the classroom and demand that I talk loud enough so that she could hear me I would fantasize about growing up to write a book about what an awful teacher she was. In fourth grade that was my idea of revenge.

The flashback then led to a series of revelations. The first is that I have flashbacks of that teacher more than I realize. So much of what I think about learning, about myself, about my skills are wrapped up in my memories of that year. So much that I don’t even realize it until I caught the passing flashback and examined it. As an educator myself this is striking. One bad year more than 20 years ago and it still influences me. Obviously, I survived. My parents moved me to the public school where I learned that I wasn’t so dumb or shy after all. I remember my three fifth-grade teachers very clearly because all three seemed to actually appreciate me.

My second realization came with a smile. So I didn’t seek revenge by writing a book about how terrible my fourth-grade teacher was. Instead, I co-authored a book helping other teachers understand the power of relationships in how students learn and how essential social-emotional learning is to academic learning. It suddenly dawned on me that I achieved my fourth-grade goal with a more positive spin on it. Instead of calling the teacher out, hopefully, my co-author and I are helping teachers actively not be my fourth-grade teacher.

Of course, another realization was that I was lucky. I had parents who created a strong loving environment at home and were able to switch me to another school. I was able to learn that school did not mean feeling dumb and out of place every single day. But what about kids who don’t have support at home? Who helps them rebuild?

Want to learn more?

Available at Amazon and Solution Tree.

Once again I am reminded of the importance of building on our relationships with students and creating safe learning environments. This is true for all students in every school setting - public or private. When my co-author and I talk about social-emotional learning or SEL we are not just talking about the students learning specific skills or ideas. We are talking about the entire culture and climate in the school, the learning environment, the relationships students and teachers have with each other, and how even academic lessons are taught. These pieces matter. Maybe now more than ever.

Just... Wait

If I could offer one recommendation to any parent or teacher of any child it would be to just pause and wait. Take a deep breath… count to 5… and wait.

Why?

-Wait-

The one thing I can do that makes the most difference - is to increase my wait time. This is really just a fancy way of saying - slow down and talk less. Give them time.

I’ve worked with many children over the years with a vast array of abilities and neurodiverse needs and for each of them (including my own) and the greatest accommodation or support I can give them - the one thing I can do that makes the most difference - is to increase my wait time. This is really just a fancy way of saying - slow down and talk less.

As adults - whether we are teachers or parents - we always want to jump in and do something. Whether we want to fill an uncomfortable silence by repeating our questions, asking the question in a different way, providing the answer, or doing an action for the child, we constantly feel the need to keep the momentum going. But our instinct to jump in and say something is often more about our needs as the adult than the needs of the child. 

Sometimes our children need more time to understand what we said. They need time to process the oral directions and find the words to respond back to us. Other times they need time for motor planning or figuring out how to get from one side of the room to the other. Sometimes children just need more time to think. When we restate or repeat our directions we disrupt the child’s processing of our first statement. Now the child has to process what we said the first time AND the second time. 

Perhaps the most important aspect of this support strategy of providing this additional time between asking a question and following up is that we give the child the gift of our time. We show that we believe they know the answer and we are willing to wait while they find it. This silence communicates both our high expectations of them as well as their importance to us - we have the time to sit here with them and wait. 

Although this is one of the simplest interventions we can put into place it can feel difficult. I often find myself biting my lip or counting silently in my head to keep myself from immediately redirecting a child who is taking extra thinking time. Yet as you begin to provide children with this time you begin to notice their non-verbal signals that show they are thinking. Their eyes may look up towards the ceiling, mouth may twist slightly, they may lean closer to the task at hand. These subtle cues let us know that the child is engaged in the task and actively processing it rather than ignoring us. As you become better at recognizing these engaged nonverbal cues you will also notice the reverse - as you see signs of frustration or disengagement you can restate or offer a prompt that will provide support and encourage re-enagement.

It seems so simple - increasing our wait time - saying less - and then waiting patiently with the child. Yet this simple strategy can decrease anxiety and increase engagement and a child’s responsiveness. 

Giving Ourselves Permission to Make Mistakes (as both parents and teachers)

Trust each other to make meaningful mistakes

Most importantly, we have to build relationships with all the adults who support our child so that we are comfortable having conversations about what worked and what didn't.

In a blog post, I wrote years ago for Reality101 on the Council for Exceptional Children's blog I talked about the pressures of being on top of everything for our students - managing the curriculum and still trying to manage behaviors and support students’ social-emotional learning. One tiny piece of the post was about giving ourselves permission to try new things and being OK when they don't work out. It was a line toward the bottom of the piece and when someone commented on it I realized how it really should be a focus for an entire post itself. As both teachers and parents, we rarely give ourselves the time and space to try new things, be OK with failure and have time to reflect on what didn't work.

When we're talking about behaviors in the classroom (or at home) and determining the best way to support a child throughout the day it is essential that we give ourselves permission to try ideas and concepts that might not work. There is no silver bullet for supporting behavior. There is no equation, formula, or perfect answer that tells us how to solve a behavior problem. There is frankly, nothing but trial and error.

So many times when we're thinking of behavior plans we forget this. As a special education teacher I often wanted to put something in place that will work immediately and solve everything. And it's not just me. Often we may be told by a co-teacher or administrator that a behavior plan needs to be put into place to "fix" a situation. Or as parents, we feel that the school is asking us to whip out a solution that will “fix” our child’s behavior when we are not around. When we're asked to "fix" a situation there suddenly becomes this pressure on us to come up with the perfect behavior plan that will erase all problem behaviors and turn a child into a model student. And yet, behavior plans that fix everything don't exist.

Behavior plans don't work like that because kids don't work like that. Human beings don't work like that. Behavior plans can make things better. They can help a child monitor their own behavior, teach a child how to navigate the school day, serve as a structure for the child or provide the child with breaks and incentives. But they don't fix everything. Everyone has a good day and a bad day. Behavior plans will work most days, but not others. Some behavior plans are going to make behavior worse before it gets better. Some behavior plans are going to be a disastrous failure but what we learn from that will tell us so much more about the child and the child's needs than if we had done nothing for the child at all.

We - as both teachers and parents - have to give ourselves and each other permission to try things with our children that may not work right away (or at all) because no matter what we'll learn from what doesn't work. We have to be willing to have the conversation about what's not working so we can try something new that will build on what was implemented originally. Most importantly, we have to build relationships with all the adults who support our child so that we are comfortable having conversations about what worked and what didn't. When we're scared to fail because of what others may think of our ability to handle students we've lost our ability to make kid-focused decisions in the classroom. Somehow failure, reflection, and trying again has to become a part of school culture- especially in an open relationship between parents and the school team.

Embracing Play and Exploration for Social-Emotional Learning

Think about when you learned to drive. It was exciting and a bit scary, but you were confident that you could get behind the wheel and go. You'd been watching your parents drive for years, and even played driving video games. You were totally ready? Right?

Your parents told you to drive slowly, use your turn signals, and follow the road signs. And maybe you listened to everything they said - when they were watching. When they weren’t watching? You explored the limits of your car and the road. 

Now as an adult, you are a better driver than you were at 17. What changed over time? Practice. Experience. Observing those around you and thinking about how you can drive to fit the social norms. Maybe having kids changed your driving because you truly cared about your special cargo. And most likely, somewhere around the way you got some real-life feedback, like getting a ticket, getting into a fender bender, or even a more serious car accident.

Learning SEL is like Learning to Drive

Now as an adult, you are a better driver than you were at 17. What changed over time? Practice. Experience. Observing those around you and thinking about how you can drive to fit the social norms.

Just being told to go slow once - or even many times - did not work for all of us. If it did, our court systems wouldn't be so clogged with traffic court. Yet we often tell our kids something once and expect it to stick.

"Share." 

"Ask a friend if they want to play."

"Be kind."

"When you are angry take a deep breath to calm down!"

We give lots of verbal directions all day, but our verbal directions do not always translate into our children remembering to follow through in the moment. These verbal instructions are the equivalent of the Drivers Ed class before getting behind the wheel. I don't know about you, but I don't remember much of that class other than where I sat and how I figured out how to pass notes without the teacher looking.

It was not until I was behind the wheel that I started to get a sense of what all of that talk had meant, and even later when I put together why it was important to not drive fast or fiddle with the radio while driving. There are things we can identify intellectually as important, but it isn't until we experience them that we truly understand them.

 Social skills are like this for our children. Some children may hear the Driver Ed teacher's warning about driving slowly and follow through, but many are going to need to experience it for themselves and need real-time coaching. Some children need direct instruction on what social skills are, how to share, how to greet others, and how to calm down when upset. But that direct instruction is just like our classroom Drivers' Ed time. Without immediate practice afterwards, all that content is not going to stick. 

Our kids need more.

Just like we did, they need real-time feedback to help them see when to apply these new skills. While driving they need someone to help them recognize when to hit the brakes, when to speed up, and which road signs to pay attention to, and which can be ignored. Sometimes they need to have the car pulled over to the side of the road for a quick re-grouping before getting right back onto the road.

Navigating social skills can be much harder than driving. Our road signs are color-coded so we can easily figure out what those signs mean. Our facial expressions are not. No matter how much we talk to kids about emotions, some kids need real-time coaching to help recognize their peers' social cues, and how to navigate around them.

It can be hard to understand this distinction between direct instruction and practice when it comes to our kids. We want them to learn something once we teach it to them, and we often think they know something because they can orally describe it. But we could orally describe driving a car from just watching our parents drive a car - that didn't mean we could take the keys and drive without crashing it.

As both parents and teachers, we have to be willing to go beyond just being classroom driving instructors – we need to take our children on the road, let them make mistakes and recover from them, take risks, explore, and feel safe with our social supports by their side.

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What is Authentic Social-Emotional Learning?

I wrote earlier about why our schools are placing more emphasis on social-emotional learning (SEL) this year than before and that this should not be something we worry about interfering with our children’s academic work. As parents we should want our children to be in schools that are supporting their social emotional development. However, it is easy to put together a program and call it “SEL”. Below, my co-author, Tracey Hulen and I, respond to questions we received last week around the idea of authentic SEL and what makes SEL meaningful for students.

Relationships must be the foundation

For SEL to truly be authentic, no matter the program the school is using, it must be built around meaningful relationships within the community and the students’ feelings of safety within the learning community and school itself. The SEL principals being taught and supported should be modeled by the teacher throughout the day, as well as reinforced and coached during genuine social situations.

So what is Social Emotional Learning?

One would think that after writing a book on SEL we could easily define it, but as we learned throughout our writing process, this is actually a difficult task. Partly because SEL is defined in different ways by different sources. ​​The Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL) is a nonprofit organization based in Chicago, Illinois, that identifies SEL as essential for moving students forward (Hulen, Lipsett, 2021). CASEL defines SEL as “an integral part of education and human development. SEL is the process through which all young people and adults acquire and apply the knowledge, skills and attitudes to develop healthy identities, manage emotions and achieve personal and collective goals, feel and show empathy for others, establish and maintain supportive relationships, and make responsible and caring decisions.” (Niemi, 2020; CASEL, n.d.f). This definition, though thorough, does not necessarily clear up confusion for parents wondering why their children are working on SEL, or what the learning might look like.

We hear of many different SEL programs in schools this year as schools are working to put something in place. Some involve scripted lessons or pre-packaged programs while others involve a district-wide social-emotional screener. Some programs may focus on one aspect of SEL like building a growth mindset or coaching children’s executive functioning skills. Others may focus on building community or on providing structure for the school’s positive behavior management system. 

For SEL to truly be authentic, no matter the program the school is using, it must be built around meaningful relationships within the community and the students’ feelings of safety within the learning community and school itself. The SEL principals being taught and supported should be modeled by the teacher throughout the day, as well as reinforced and coached during genuine social situations. 

Our classrooms provide endless opportunities for teachers to both model using SEL skills and to reinforce and coach students on these skills throughout the day. Often, SEL can be naturally embedded into academics so that instead of creating an “either or” situation between academics and SEL, students experience both simultaneously The ultimate goal is for our students to begin to take ownership of their own learning (cognitive, academic, social-emotional, physical, language, etc. ) and begin to apply these concepts and skills into their daily life.

Of course, as educators and parents, we play the most meaningful role in teaching, supporting and guiding our children in their development of SEL.  Our students will do best when the SEL effort is supported by a strong partnership between the home, school and the community.  Therefore, schools should be seeking guidance from students, parents, and the community and parents and the community should be reaching out to schools.  This partnership is needed in the best interest of our children, but as we all know- any partnership can have its challenges, takes hard work, strong collaboration, and trust. Building trusting relationships takes respect, transparency, and all parties must be able to give as well as receive.  This doesn't happen over night, but it is necessary and what is needed for SEL to be authentic and not the next educational fad. 

How do you know if your schools’ SEL instruction is meaningful? 

It will not be from worksheets coming home or from a description of an SEL program in a teacher’s newsletter. Instead, it will be seen in the relationship your child has with their teachers and peers as well as within the classroom itself - does your child see themselves as part of the classroom community? Is your child naturally using the SEL strategies that are being targeted in the classroom? When your child is faced with frustration or a problem do you notice a change in how they approach that problem? Authentic SEL will show in your child’s language and approach to problem solving. As parents you can support your child by providing teachers with the background knowledge that is needed for your child to be successful in school beyond just academics.  Consider asking about the needed SEL skills that can be extended to the home setting as a means for supporting and strengthening your child’s learning. SEL should not just occur for a short isolated time period within the school day, rather it should extend throughout a child’s entire day-at school and in the home.

What should assessment look like and what if my school is using an SEL screener? 

Be sure to ask what the teacher, school, or district is planning on doing with the information from this initial assessment. Are teachers using it to inform their instruction, support specific students who may need additional support in particular areas? How will the results of this screener influence the teachers’ SEL decisions in the classroom? Are they prepared to take into account individual children’s developmental or cultural differences that may cause the child’s scores to fall in the ‘at risk range’ on a screener? Any form of assessment should be developmentally appropriate, attend to equity and cultural factors, and not be used to diagnose students, but rather focus on the positive development of students and seek out areas that can be continuously strengthened using positive student- driven goal setting approaches.

Share any concerns and questions you have around SEL with your school. These discussions that follow will offer insight and hopefully build trust and confidence in the school’s long term plans. 

Want to learn more about Authentic SEL?

Our book is due out in December and is currently available for pre-order on Amazon. We go into more detail defining authentic SEL and how SEL relates to child development, as well as how schools can build a home-school partnership.

Why are our schools pushing SEL this year? Is it going to interfere with learning?

In both conversations with parents and over social media I have heard and read different concerns about the amount of time our schools are or are not spending on establishing social emotional learning this fall. We are all anxious for our students to get back to learning and to make up for lost time. But before we can do that we need to look at where our students have been and what they need to get to where. we want them to go.

What do we do about learning loss?

There are foundational skills students need in order to be successful in school and these skills were disrupted by the pandemic as much as academics were. Yes, there was significant academic loss during the pandemic that must be addressed. But if we do not take time to support the underlying skills also impacted by the pandemic we will not be able to make up for the academic loss. 

OK, as parents, it may be time for us to all take a deep breath about the start of the 2021-2022 school year. Saying that our children have been through a lot in the last 18 months is an understatement. It started when overnight, their happy classroom communities in 2020 where they felt safe and secure within the established routines and relationships of their classroom were ended abruptly. Most of them never got to re-enter those classrooms or have in-person closure with their school community from that year. The following year they entered into an upside down roller coaster of getting to know teachers and classmates virtually, then in person - and for some, this virtual vs in-person cycle went on throughout the year. The consistency of a solid school routine was shaken. Even this year our children are never sure if they will wake up with a call from the school announcing that they must quarantine for a bit because of an exposure.

This is not to say that those decisions never should have been made. Our kids can be resilient and decisions were made to ensure safety. Now it is our place as parents and educators to support this resiliency as our children re-enter schools.

To do this we must:

• Acknowledge what our students have been through. Are they going to be able to easily trust that their teachers and classmates will consistently be there for them when that has not been the pattern over the last 18 months? If not, how do establish a place for them to feel safe, know they belong, and connect with the community despite a historical pattern of uncertainty?

• Look at what our students truly need in order to move forward. I have talked to so many parents who were ready for the 2020-2021 school year to be behind them and are looking forward to the progress their children will make this coming school year. Because of the past events we are ready for those kids to make huge academic gains to erase the unsettling progress from the past year. And yet - are our kids ready for that?

While we like to think our children are always ready to learn and become sponges for the information schools teach, we must first acknowledge that in order for our children to become sponges they must first feel safe and secure within the school environment. The relationships they have with teachers and peers as well as how they see themselves fitting into the school community play a critical role in this. 

• Recognize that learning academic skills requires multiple layers of social-emotional learning. Students cannot learn if they are get easily upset by something that happens and are unable to move on from the incident. No matter how great the teacher’s lesson is, students will not access it if they are unable to remain emotionally calm and regulated. Are they able to work with their peers, have positive conversations with them at lunch and at recess, and play collaboratively together? Are they able to set goals for themselves, monitor their own work habits, and self-reflect on their learning? Can they see their mistakes as areas for growth?

These are foundational skills students need to be successful in school and these skills were disrupted by the pandemic as much as academics were. Yes, there was significant academic loss during the pandemic that must be addressed. But if we do not take time to support the underlying skills also impacted by the pandemic we will not be able to make up for the academic loss. 

Give your children’s teachers space this fall to build community and form relationships in the classroom. Ask questions about how the school is addressing the children’s social-emotional learning and pay attention to what language they are introducing to the students. Is it language you can use at home as well, or does it sound similar to something you already say? If so, draw the connection for your children so that they see the relationship between home and school.

If you are in a position where you are becoming concerned about the lack of academic work this early in the year talk to your child’s teacher about what they are doing during the day. My guess is that the teachers are working strategically to create the learning community where your child will be able to thrive throughout the year. 

Alternatively, if you are in a position where your are concerned about your child’s academic load this early in the year, ask the school how they are supporting the students’ social-emotional learning after the pandemic. Is there a focus on relationship building, a strong classroom community and a psychological sense of safety within the school? Are they observing students taking academic risks and celebrating a growth mindset? 

Want to learn more about SEL?

Our book is available for preorder at Solution Tree now and will be up on Amazon on October 1st.

Being the Good Enough Parent

Scrolling facebook the other day, I came across one of those memes about how a child’s behavior is really just a reflection on the parents and that anything that comes out of a child’s mouth is is just something the child heard at home. I felt that punch in the gut. Hard. I hate this idea. This may be a common belief among people who have angelic children as well as childless people who may not have had the experience of listening in horror as their child says something so outlandish that they wished they could teleport themselves and child to another dimension. People who post these are certainly not a parent of a neuro-diverse child. (And let’s be honest, in my early twenties - in those first few years of teaching - I’m sure I had some of those thoughts. Thank goodness I wasn’t on Facebook back then to post my judgements).

Parenting can be heavy

We must remember - we are not suppose to be perfect parents. We are actually suppose to make mistakes in this role. The growth, love, and resiliency come from recovering from those mistakes.

If only having a well-behaved child was as easy as simply being a good parent. Or even being a good-enough parent. I often have to remind myself that in 1953 pediatrician and psychoanalysis, Dr. D.W. Winnicott argued that it is actually better when we are not perfect parents - perfect parents would not provide the child the best opportunities for growth and good stress in a loving environment. So we are not suppose to be perfect. We are actually suppose to make mistakes in this role. The growth, love, and resiliency come from recovering from those mistakes. It is suppose to be hard.

This parenting gig? It is tough. Being the parent of a neuro-diverse child? Even tougher. Can we try to be in this together - teachers, neighbors, community partners - so that instead of automatically assuming a parent is at fault, we wonder how we can provide grace and love to the family? Can we view those moments as opportunities for growth and resiliency building?

I am going to try really hard as a parent to see my child’s public outbursts as opportunities instead of as public floggings to remind the world of my bad parenting. Anyone with me?

The Importance of Play

Back before COVID when we were able to go to conferences and meet in person, I was able to attend the Council for Exceptional Children’s Division of Early Childhood International Conference in Portland. While there, I attended session after session on play. Why it is important, how to teach it, what to teach, and how to support families in playing with their children. One of the most fascinating sessions I attended was on Project Play, a research study out of Northeastern University.

In this project the researchers have been studying the different developmental stages of play with objects. They have found that how children manipulate objects during play develops in a series of stages, and that this development is clear whether or not a child has a disability. It is important, then, to support children in play where they are, and help them move to the next developmental play stage, without skipping over play stages, as children need to experience all the stages to move on. This work resonates with Stanley Greenspan’s work on DIR/Floortime, and I was fascinated to seem the similarities in the research findings.

The work also had me thinking about how we look at childhood and elementary school itself. This was my second early childhood conference of the year, and in each conference play has been honored as an essence of childhood. The field of early childhood understands the importance of play in a child’s development. But how are the rest of us doing when children move from early childhood to the middle years? We no longer honor play as an essence to healthy development, but see it as something that will give children a break from a hard day of work. Yet for many children, the play in itself may be exhausting, because play is where their real developmental work takes place.

The findings of Project Play stuck me as well, because once children enter elementary school we start talking about age appropriate play, and age appropriate toys. Yet a child with developmental delays, who is following the developmental play trajectory, is going to miss out on steps in his development if he is forced to experience age appropriate toys and experiences. Instead, he needs developmentally appropriate play opportunities, with an adult who can carefully guide him up the developmental chain. Forcing a child to play with an age appropriate toy, or play an age appropriate game at recess, may make the child look like he is typically developing, but in fact is denying the child an opportunity to develop the missing skills. Of course, we don't want the child to stick out as different and subject them to bullying either, so we need to be mindful in how we choose to create developmental play opportunities for older children.

Object play is where children learn much of their visual-spatial processing skills, which prove to be essential when a child needs to be able to determine the beginning and ending of a word when reading, or to be able to manipulate numbers within a written math problem. Symbolic play, where items represent real-world items, like when a set of blocks becomes a fort, or a plastic doll becomes an animated person, supports children’s development of symbolic reasoning and ideas. In symbolic, dramatic joint play, we learn to accept another’s idea and add on to it in our play. We experience cognitive flexibility, and coping strategies. These are all skills that we need for healthy executive functioning skills, as well as being able to understand scientific reasoning, complex math problems, and comprehend literature.

But if we are forcing children to skip these play stages, or not giving them time to experience these play stages at all, what are we doing to their development? We can teach something that looks like dramatic play, but is it a full understanding of dramatic play that is also helping the child develop cognitive flexibility? Or is it simply that the child is following the set of play rules we put out for them, because this is how to make them look like their peers?

A Great Tinkering Activity to Work on Problem Solving Skills for All Developmental Stages

Contact paper, Cardboard Tubes, and a bit of painters tape

Creating this lets us work on forward thinking - what will happen if I put this tube here? - analyzing problems - well, the ball just fell, I wonder why - identifying possible solutions - what if I move this closer? and continued problem solving.

A few summers ago I was able to run a social group connected with a summer camp. After I got to know the group of campers I realized my traditional social-skills teaching was not going to work but that this group could be very engaged when I put the same themes into creating experiments for objects that roll. If you are looking for activities to support your child’s executive functioning but know that your child may not be able to sit still for traditional games and activities, consider some of the activities below. All you need are materials you probably already have around your house - cardboard boxes, toilet paper tubes, ping pong balls and toy cars.

During the camp we started making ramps for cars, and experimenting with just how high we could make the ramps, how fast we could get the cars to go, and whether or not we could knock over other objects with the cars if we aimed just right paired with the right incline on the ramp. (Melissa and Doug chunky piece puzzles are great for making "bowling" for animals activities).

Then, we transitioned into making marble runs. These were my absolute favorite. Initially, we took small tubes (toilet paper, paper towel, etc) that were split down the center and taped them onto a cardboard box. This worked great, but involved a lot of tape and made it more difficult to adjust when we realized there was a mistake. Out of sheer luck, I realized that the sticky side of contact paper is actually strong enough to hold up a toilet paper tubes. With that realization, I was able to tape the paper to the wall, sticky-side out, and then let the kids stick the tubes onto the paper. This made it much easier to experiment with different angles and designs, and allowed the engineers to make changes faster.

I love this activity so much that I've been using it with all of my clients - in and outside of groups.

Why?

Typically, the work we do when we tinker and create objects out of cardboard boxes, requires a child to have symbolic thought, or the understanding that one object can represent another object. Yet some children who are still developing this capacity might need more support to understand that their box can become a house or a school. They may make it, but do not fully understand what they are doing, making the activity not as meaningful, and their motivation not as strong.

Yet - with or without a strong sense of symbolic thought - everyone can engage in the excitement of rolling objects, whether they are cars or balls. We can roll objects down hill, push them up a ramp, watch how they fall off, and create obstacles that will change the way the object rolls. This is an immediate cause and effect experience.

Children with symbolic thought can understand they are making ramps for toy cars, and can add toy towns or storylines to their creations. Children who are not ready for that yet, can still be pulled into an activity of rolling the cars or balls.

This also becomes a back and forth, serve and return engagement activity, if we (the adult or play partner) roll the ball/car to the child and they roll it back. Each time we can change the speed, path, or method we roll the ball/car.

Once a child is engaged with creating obstacles for rolling items, I can transition them into making a marble run. (Some children do not need the transition - they can start with the marble run immediately).

Creating this lets us work on forward thinking - what will happen if I put this tube here? - analyzing problems - well, the ball just fell, I wonder why - identifying possible solutions - what if I move this closer? and continued problem solving.

Through this activity I have heard such great language in terms of "that didn't work, I better try again." "ACK! This is frustrating. OK, if I have space to think, I'll figure this out." and "Hey! Something isn't working.... we better try again!"

The activity allows for just enough frustration that a child can work on experiencing that feeling of plans not working, while also practicing finding additional solutions.

I love when I find an activity that meets children where they are, allows for shared social problem solving, practice in emotional regulation - and - is an activity I love to do too. (No really, you have to try it. I have to sit on my hands so I don't take over the creation myself.)

First Day Jitters from the Parent's side: When your chid is Neuro-Diverse

Everyone dismissed my concerns

I couldn't share my worries because people would say "Don't worry, mom, it will be OK." But those reassuring platitudes just don't help. And they only serve to further separate me from those parents of typically developing children.

When my youngest went to kindergarten at the local public school a few years ago, I found I couldn't write about the start of kindergarten as I had for my oldest, because my emotions were too big, and my thoughts were too scary. Having been in the school system for years, I intellectually know that everything should be fine - but I also very well know just how bad it can get when it goes badly. And, well... I knew there was a very, very good chance things could go badly just as easily as they could go well.

It was hard to put my feelings into words considering my daughter’s unique profile. When my oldest went to kindergarten, I was nervous, worried, and a bit emotional for her growing up. Normal parent feelings. I honestly don't think my husband and I slept at all the night before school started.

With my youngest, who has PANDAS? I was terrified. Although many of my worries sounded like typical new kindergarten parent worries, they went so much deeper than that. I soon learned that I couldn't share my worries with others because people would say "Don't worry, mom, it will be OK." “You worry too much!” or “All kindergarten parents feel this way!” But those reassuring platitudes just didn’t help. And they only served to further separate me from the “normal” side of kindergarten. I often describe parenting a child with PANDAS or neurodiverse profile as parenting on “the other side of the fence” - we can see what typically developing children get to experience but are not able to access it or relate to it.

The first day of kindergarten should be emotional on the parents because it means your baby is growing up - it should not be emotional because you are scared of how your child might react in a group - and how the adults may treat your child after she reacts. This disease stole the sweet childhood moment of the first day of kindergarten from us.

My poor PANDA. The first thing she said to me when I picked her up on the first day was, "Mommy! I didn't go to the principal's office!" A wave of relief came over me, and I cheered out loud in the after school room, even though I hadn't realized that I was worried about that. That’s not your typical child worry. (To be fair, at the time her favorite book series was Junie B. Jones who does, in fact, spend a significant amount of time in the principal’s office.)

Little did I know that my daughter’s kindergarten year would end in March thanks to COVID. As she prepares for second grade I think about how scared I was for her first day. It feels silly now, but at the time those emotions and worries were very real. Today, this memory is also a reminder to me of how many unseen worries and concerns parents of children with unique profiles carry. Beyond typical back-to-school concerns they hold something deeper. As we get ready for this back-to-school time, we all need to remind ourselves to not placate or dismiss parent concerns by telling them “their child will be fine!” Sometimes our worries need to be held by others - especially when it comes to situations regarding accepting and understanding neurodiversity.

Getting Kinder Ready

On my summer adventures I'm always running into five year olds and I can't help but ask them if they are excited for kindergarten. Some tell me all about their new schools, some look like I'm asking if they are ready for a prison sentence, and some just dance around me pretending like I didn't say a thing. I can't blame them- the concept of time is still vague for five year olds and the idea of going to a new school in a month or so is a bit overwhelming.
I love new kinders. I love their first day of school, their wide-eyes, their happy discoveries, their worried expressions that soon turn into confidence. It's a huge life transition, even if they are accustomed to going to a daycare setting.

When I taught kindergarten I knew that we were prepared for anything. We know this is the children's first year in school and that we're teaching these children the social skills they'll need to be successful for the rest of their academic career. We're trained in teaching children their letters, numbers, how to read, count, color between the lines, share, sit quietly, and to listen to stories. We're not worried about the academic knowledge your child comes in with- it's our job to help get ready for first grade.

What will help your child have a smooth transition to kindergarten and school as a whole will be to help your child have some independent skills that will allow him/her to take care of his/her own needs, advocate for him/herself, and feel successful in their new environment. Many of these tips are things that will come easily to your child, but as adults we tend to forget to hand over the responsibility. Without even knowing it we tend to still check-in with our kids or talk them through tasks they can do independently.

10 Steps to Getting Ready for Kindergarten

Focus on independence, self-advocacy, and your structured home routines

Here are some non-academic skills that may help pave the way for a smooth and successful transition:

• Practice Independent eating?

  • Can your child get through a meal fairly independently without the constant coaching of "two more bites, great, now one bite of broccoli, now one bite of cheese..."? Have one of your child's friends over for lunch, serve lunch and then stand back. Can your child navigate his/her way through the food without your gentle reminders? Give a five minute reminder that lunch is almost over. When the five minutes is up clean up from lunch and see what your child ate. Was it enough to get him/her through a busy afternoon? In kindergarten it is difficult for us to coach all our children through their lunches. If we notice a child hasn't eaten much we'll give reminders and warnings of how much time is left, but we can't individually remind each child to eat. Start preparing your child to become an independent eater so that he/she will not end up hungry at the end of the first few days.

• Practice independent food choices

  • If your child is going to eat in the cafeteria he/she will be presented with all sorts of food choices. The teachers will be there to help remind the children to make a choice, but they will not have any idea what your child likes/doesn't like. If you go to a buffet type restaurant will your child be able to independent make choices that he/she will end up eating?

• Practice public restroom independence

  • Many kindergarten classrooms have bathrooms in the classroom, but some use a group bathroom in the hallway. Take your child to a public restroom and just stand back. See if they can follow the process- go in, shut the door, wipe, flush the toilet, wash and dry hands in the sink, independently. Unless your child is in a single-sex classroom it is unlikely that the teacher will be a part of the group bathroom experience.

• Allowing for self-help independence-

  • Many kinders come to school being able to take care of 95% of the bathroom process, but many are still accustomed to being wiped when they have a bowel movement. Start coaching your child to do this independently including having them pull up their pants without you checking to see if they did a good job. You don't want your child opening the classroom bathroom door and screaming, "Come check me, please!" with all the other children around.

• Encourage advocating for own needs-

  • For the most part are you your child's spokes person? Do you know when your child is hungry or needs to go to the bathroom without your child even saying a word? Your child's teacher will not have that skill in the first month of school as she gets to know your child. Prompt your child to use simple sentences to let adults know what's needed.

  • Most importantly- Can your child tell you or other adults when he/she needs to go to the bathroom? It's a hard skill for some children to learn, especially when they are in the middle of an exciting activity. Do you always have to remind your child to go to the bathroom? Have you learned your child's 'I need the bathroom signs' so that you're always the one reminding your child to go? This summer start coaching your child through noticing the bathroom need and going independently. If this is still hard talk to the teacher. Let them know that you are working on it but that they might need to give reminders.

• Investigate naps

  • Find out if your kindergarten program has afternoon naps. Many don't anymore. If not, start weening your child from the afternoon nap in August, or alter the schedule so that the nap is in the late afternoon when your child will be home from school.

• Set up an early bedtime routine

  • Your child is going to be working like crazy in kindergarten. From constantly sharing toys, following directions, staying in line, sitting in a seat, and exercising all that impulse control your child will need every ounce of energy possible. In mid August start preparing the clear night time routine with a good 7:30 or 8:00 bedtime to guarantee that your child will be well rested for school.

• Set up a calm morning routine

  • This summer start setting up calm morning routines to get everyone out of the house smoothly. When your child has a rough morning at home it can stay with him/her all day. Practicing those morning routines now will make it easier when school actually starts.

• Practice a good-bye routine.

  • Saying goodbye to your child on the first day, or even every morning can be difficult. Read "The Kissing Hand" by Audrey Pen and start practicing having your own kissing-hand routine. Having that in place will make the morning goodbyes easier and less traumatic.

It's going to be an AMAZING year! Your child is going to grow in ways you didn't think possible. You're going to hear crazy stories about the inner workings of kindergarten. 50% will be true, 30% will be what your child WANTS to be true, and 20% will be grounded in reality with some extra details added in. You're going to watch your child want to wash his/her hands the way "Miss Miller taught me" even if it is the same exact way you've been trying to get your child to wash his/her hands for five years. You're going to hear new songs, hear about new books, hear the same classmates' names over and over again, and hear the phrase, "Miss Miller says...." until you think you're head will explode. You will get art project after art project long after your fridge is full. If all goes well you'll have a happy, independent, excited five year old whose ready for their next 12+ years of schooling.

Learning Impulse Control - Supporting our children's development through games

Whenever we think our children are not getting enough interactions this summer it is important to remember Maria Montessori’s quote, “Play is the work of the child”. When I taught kindergarten and first grade we filled those early weeks of school with essential activities to enhance our students’ impulse control. Very important activities that required our little ones to work extra hard. Basically, we played a lot of games. Simon Says, Red Light, Green Light, and Freeze Dance. You know, the games we all thought were lots of fun when we were kids but actually taught us to listen, follow directions, and stop our bodies from moving even when we don't want to stop?

“Run, run, run… Freeze!”

Engage your child and practice impulse control with those simple yet joyful childhood games.

When I worked in schools what I loved so much about these games in the beginning of the year is how hard it was for the kids to play them. They wanted to play the games- they wanted to follow the rules- they thought they're going to stop when they were suppose to stop- they planned to stop when they are suppose to- but they never did. Their little faces would fill with frustration when they realized they didn't stop/move/run/tap their head at the right time. It's such a metaphor for the beginning of kindergarten- little ones who want to follow the rules but haven't trained their bodies to do it yet. They were not being impulsive just to make us mad- they were just in the process of learning impulse control.

Our job as educators and parents is to support them in this development and one of the most natural, meaningful ways to support this is through playing games.

All the classic games are so perfect for this. Red Light/Green Light is a killer. A perfect impulse-control practice game, but so, so tough for those trying so hard to make their bodies stop. My mother who was also a teacher used the game "laughing machine" where the teacher drops a tissue from in the air and the class laughs until the tissue hits the floor. This teaches them to control their laughing- something that comes in handy when you're ready to move on from a funny part of a book and they just aren't...

Follow the Leader is another classic where all the kids have to do is walk behind the teacher/parent while doing whatever motion she was doing. Which meant their eyes needed to stay on the adult -and not their friends, or their shoes, or the window, or the bathroom. I loved playing this game in the early days of a kindergarten class because every time a little one looked up and realized the whole classroom was taping their heads while he was still taping his knees, his face would scrunch up in confusion- and he'd put his eyes on the teacher with more determination than before- until something else caught his eye and he looked elsewhere.

These games remind us that our students and children have good intentions and it is our job to support this with this - along with the reminder that these important developmental supports do not have to be strenuous - in fact, they work best when delivered through play.

Book Club: Connecting Through Literature, Discussion, and Listening (part 1)

Early on in the COVID shutdown last March I realized that I had a small problem. While I felt confident in my ability to educate my own children at home, I quickly noticed that the one aspect of school I could not recreate was facilitating deeper level discussions around books. Any thought provoking question I asked either of my children was met with a shoulder shrug, an “I don’t know”, or a “my teacher didn’t ask that question.” What my children were going to miss the most from being in school - I realized - was the ability to learn from other students’ thinking about a text. I have taught long enough to know that any group of students given the right support, questioning, and wait time will produce a thoughtful discussion on literature - together. In isolation, students are never as motivated to push their thinking. Especially when it is only their mother doing the questioning.

I asked a few of my daughter’s friends to join us for a virtual book club. We started by reading picture books that I knew could promote deep discussion and then slowly began reading shorter chapter books. I read the books aloud to them, pausing at critical moments to ask carefully crafted questions designed to make them think about what we were hearing. Using this structure we looked into character development and character change, considered the author’s use of figurative language and how that contributed to the author’s tone and message within the book. Independently, the students started pointing out that the author’s use of words like grey, cloudy, misty, cold, chill made them create mental images of a depressing place. They recognized when characters changed and whenever we started a new book began to independently label what we could infer about the new characters.

Whenever we began a new book I invited another student to join us, until the group was almost too big for meaningful discussion. The club included a neuro-diverse group of students, which made it even stronger. I witnessed children with dyslexia and reading difficulties demonstrate great growth in their ability to analyze the story - as they were able to access literature alongside their peers because of our read aloud model. No one knew who was struggling with the decoding aspect of reading - they all only saw each other as equal contributors to the discussion. Other students in the group were in the “gifted and talented” classes at school, while others receive support for their neuro-diverse needs. Through these inclusive discussions I saw changes in student’s tendency toward black and white thinking, increases in students’ ability to support their opinion with evidence from the text, and an increase in students’ confidence to stand up for themselves.

The group became more than a book club. It was a place to process everything going on in our world - from George Floyd to COVID variants, new stay at home mandates, Dr. Suess’ early work, or vaccinations. The participants tackled deep issues, both from the news and from the books, and at least with my own daughters, I saw growth in how they approached complex issues at home. Our safe place for discussion allowed them to hold an issue, look at it from multiple sides, consider different opinions, and draw conclusions. This felt like a critical skill in a time when we are encouraged to question everything we read.

The group became more than a book club.

It was a safe place to process everything going on in our world - from George Floyd to COVID variants, new stay at home mandates, Dr. Suess’ early work, or vaccine safety.

Back in the beginning of the club we met three days a week for thirty minutes- it was those early days of COVID where none of us had anything to do and not even the schools had much to offer since they were still figuring out what they were going to do next. In those spring 2020 days our participants were desperate for each group to start - some would log on 30 minutes early just to have time to connect with the other members. When summer came and we began to become busy again we switched to meeting twice a week for forty five minutes each time.

Although many members of the group never met in person they began to know each other as readers. They knew which participant loved dogs but hated cats, who disliked when characters changed (with the belief that evil characters should always remain evil), who loved when characters changed and always stood up for the underdog. As I read the books aloud they would interrupt me to not just comment on the character’s actions but to note how another participant will feel about it. That alone showed a growth in thinking - not only were they identifying aspects of the text but they were also using that information to apply it socially.

Our group is currently on pause - life has gotten busy again and the participants no longer needed the club as a social and educational outlet. In a way it was the Mary Poppins of experiences - there at the right moment for those who needed it. I’m not sure what the club will look like as we move forward. I may divide it into smaller, more interest-based groups, or offer six week sessions.

More to come in future blog posts about our book club - it is too much to tackle in one post!

Welcome

I began blogging early in my teaching career when I was still a general education first grade teacher. I quickly learned that the reflective nature of writing made me a better educator. I learned about myself as an educator through my words, while also learning that there are many other teachers out there looking for honest and reflective thoughts on teaching. This was before blogging was big. Before Pinterest. I was blogging before I was on twitter and even before I was on facebook. And then, slowly, life happened. I had a child, changed to a new school, and then had another child. I did a year of blogging for the Council for Exceptional Children’s Reality 101 blog, and almost four years of blogging for Joey’s Foundation. I started my own business. COVID hit. I moved. My own blog was lost in the shuffle. So, here we are, attempting to gain it back. Because I learn when I write and reflect and more importantly, we learn from connecting with one another. I look forward to hearing your thoughts, ideas, and feedback, or if anything I write here rings true for you. Some of these posts will be new while others will be revised and edited from previous posts on my personal blog, Welcome to Organized Chaos.